Beginnings are tough, so it’s best to just dive right in.
As you’ve perhaps guessed from the title and header for this blog, this will be about exploring my life’s strange and often awkward, and even sad, moments in regards to relationships. In terms of online monikers I chose one on the nose – the dapper and dysfunctional Dateless-Man! And as for particulars, I live in New York state, I am over 30 years old and I identify as a heterosexual white male. As with most people, I am hardly a “pure breed” (already I imagine well preened dogs or vampires when I use that term), as my family tree involves countries such as Ireland, Scotland, Spain, and even Venezuela even though I was born in the land of the stars, stripes, and infomercials. At best I could be considered a geek as my interests tend towards things like comic books, cartoons, anime, TV shows, films, and other things that can be best done alone or in groups. At worst I could be considered an isolated neurotic mess.
But here I am beating around the bush. I may as well get the most shocking thing I will probably ever reveal out of the way, to try to get to the purpose of this.
I am a virgin, in a land where the patriarchy has determined that this is a cardinal sin for a straight man, especially at my age. I am not a religions fundamental, not that I have any issues with that sort of thing (so long as you’re not stoning lepers anymore). I am not “saving myself for marriage” or “the one”, although I don’t have any issue with those who choose to do that. My virginity and my lack of mature romantic relationship experience is not by choice, but due to whatever flaws are in me. I have gone through my life having not attracted a single person of the opposite sex towards me in any romantic way, whether as puppy love in elementary school or something more defined in college or the bar scenes my friends adore. It isn’t something I hate women for; if anything I certainly understand why none have ever felt that way towards me. I’m a neurotic mess, a loser. If I were a woman minding my business just trying to get through another day without being catcalled or annoyed, I wouldn’t want a schlub like me trying to hit on them, either.
That’s quite the reveal, isn’t it? Trust me, I’d rather it involve radiation or falling meteors instead. Unfortunately it just involves my colossal lack of “game”.
In my “real life” outside of keyboards and faceless blogs, this is a secret I keep closely to my vest. My closest friends know it, but I try not to ever talk about it, and to me it is a source of endless awkwardness and deep personal shame. I haven’t posted about it at any forums for at least a decade because I am so embarrassed about it, that even discussing it with other faceless avatars seems to make it seem more real than I want it to be. Just typing those words on a white screen seemed more difficult than it should have been.
So, why now? Why have I chosen to admit it online, albeit under the guise of a masked blog? I honestly am trying to sort that out myself. In my mind, I feel it is time I simply try to get some of my experiences, feelings, and frustrations off my chest in some venue that isn’t me spilling my guts to one of the few friends I am willing to discuss this angst with as a means of self therapy. I don’t believe I am seeking attention, but then again the ability to lie to oneself is one of those amazing adaptations that humans have that other animals don’t.
The mission statement of this blog is to explore my relationship skills, or lack thereof, as well as to relate some of my experiences which I have been too ashamed to tell anyone face to face or even with my real name and email attached. It could reach a million followers or nobody by myself. I hope that simply by releasing some of these thoughts and feelings from myself, I will gain some sort of healing and perspective that I didn’t before. After all, you never know if something will work if you don’t try. Even if I don’t help myself, perhaps somewhere on the internet some other lonely, desperate person will find this and realize they are perhaps not so lonely, and then the Dateless Man will have done his job and will feel satisfied on his Mattress of Solitude.
Feel free to comment on any of my posts, although there are things I will not tolerate. I abhor racists, bigots, homophobes, sexists, “men’s rights activists” or general terrible people, not in that order. I am learning about wordpress as I go but I will not suffer fools who bully other posters for long.