Ready for some more whining about my v-card? Honestly, this wasn’t a topic which I expected I’d devote some 2-3 entries for, if not more, when I began this blog last summer. It was likely inevitable as I would run out of previous adventures to discuss, and would have examined all of my major past encounters with women in time. Despite the title, I am very aware that all of my problems with dating, or life in general, won’t be solved by grinding flesh with another person in the end. However, I do find himself in a bit of a cycle lately when weighing any options, and while it may not be entirely due to my most shameful secret, it certainly is a factor of it.
In the end it all comes down to a lack of experience. It can feel very much like seeking employment in that way. Most employers prefer someone with experience – whether it’s gigs one needs a degree for or even slinging burgers for minimum wage – yet it’s hard to get that experience if no one hires you. And much as with that situation, age and assumption by society also play key roles. Most employers would be sympathetic to a teenager without any job experience, but someone in their 20’s or 30’s would be seen as odd (in the least). To a degree dating is similar. Like with anything, dating, sex, relationships and love are things that are skills which can be learned, so long as one has opportunity. Without that opportunity, however, the odds of landing any “positions” (pun intended) become nil. Much as with employment, the older one gets without a certain level of experience, the more bizarre it seems to others. Reasons don’t much matter; few people genuinely care about such things. In a world built on endless competition, especially with men against other men in nearly anything, reasons for a lack of certain skills are ultimately meaningless. The world doesn’t care.
Virginity as it is known is a social construct, invented by men eons ago for various purposes, least among them controlling women’s sexuality to make the task of figuring out whose children are whose (often for the sake of inheritance) easier. It, along with other gender norms, effect and hurt both sexes in different ways, although there is some overlap. It can seem that too many people – especially men – can make too big a deal of it online too often.
At the moment I feel I am at a crossroads. There is a part of me who wants to look at the body of evidence laid forth in this blog, see it for the litany of failure that it is, and move beyond it. Call it exhibits A thru Z as to why I need to embrace my inner zen and abandon even the theory of dating anyone. It is where I, intellectually, want to be. I want to be able to give up on this and never feel any pangs of being lonely or envious ever again. To be freed from such desires and continue on with the rest of my work, such as my job, my family, and my hobbies. There is another part of me, however, that doesn’t want to quit; that insists that my last date was some seven years ago and despite my insistence, I’m not the same as I was then. I consider this an emotional side, as it ignores all previous examples of my dating futility and seems to still hold to an ember of hope that things will be different were I to try again. The struggle of the heart versus the mind is a classic one, and to a degree it is one that we all have to weigh about a variety of things. There seems little way to reconcile this personally, at least at the moment.
Onto what I have dubbed, the “Vicious Virginity Cycle”. For most “normal” people, the path of romantic relationships is one of youthful experimentation which leads to trial and error and hopefully, a final partner whose selection represents the culmination of all that has been learned (or not learned). You stumble and bumble during teenage years, refine skills and desires as a young adult, and by the time one is in their 30’s, one is supposed to at least have a better idea of what they want in a lover, what they won’t consider or accept, and more importantly have enough pieces in play to want to share them with someone else for a longer term. This includes having been through (and survived) at least one break up, which tends to go better the younger one is, as teenagers rarely have enough resources at their disposal as adults do when it comes to grief. For an older virgin, they have no such experience, and the lack of it not only makes it difficult to venture forth at a later stage in the game than their peers, but it also makes their peers hesitant to risk becoming part of a late bloomer’s bumbling quest.
At my age, most women where I am in New York are seeking to settle down with someone for the long haul. Hell, even in college in my early to mid 20’s, most of the women I encountered seemed to be looking for long term relationships over flings (or at least so they said). And while I am not exactly looking for “one night stands”, I also cannot honestly say I am looking to “settle down” and marry yet, either. My love life hasn’t even begun! And this represents a dilemma for any woman who would even consider giving me a chance, so long as she has full knowledge of my terrible secret. I cannot look someone in the eyes and honestly tell them that I love them and want to spend forever with them if they are the only lover I have ever had, the only woman who dared embrace the beast, because I have no frame of reference to compare her too. In addition, any of the mistakes and errors that are common in first relationships would be hers to suffer, at a time when most women hope to have left that sort of thing in high school. Therefore, a woman would be reasonable to assume that after I had my “first time” with her, I likely would not be staying with her forever, and would ultimately move on. This isn’t to say that I want to “love ’em and leave ’em”, but without a commitment, a break up is inevitable. What woman would want to be the stepping stone to an old hapless virgin’s journey? It’s an unfair thing to ask of anyone, much less someone that I may happen to like.
Most normal people don’t go through angst like this, because they did all of their “experimenting” with their physical and emotional romantic needs during their teenage years. Going through that again with someone who is old enough to have acquired this experience is not something which I imagine is desirable. This, therefore, would favor a woman who isn’t looking for long term romance but is after shorter term flings herself. But, this represents another problem; a virgin, by definition, is inexperienced and therefore can’t be counted on to please even in the short term. I can’t even be counted on as a boy toy, a friend with no benefits. I, of course, having had no experience, would be tickled pink just to make out with someone. Alas, that leaves the woman with nothing gained on her end, and that’s an unfair proposition to put on anyone. I suppose I could be delusional and assume (or hope) that by sheer fluke I am some sex prodigy who somehow nails everything on the first try, but I sincerely doubt that. Life isn’t that convenient, at least not for me.
So, in conclusion, being an older virgin means that I have nothing to offer a woman with long term goals (as it’s likely that she would merely be “the first” and not “the last” for me, even if I decided to marry my second girlfriend), nor do I have anything to offer one with short term goals (as a man who has never seen a live vagina is likely to be a terrible short term lay). I don’t believe I project an aura which screams of “danger” to women, but that alone is the bare minimum, not a plus. Outside of high school, there are no accepted ways to safely “experiment” with anyone aside for sexual surrogacy or prostitution (which outside of Nevada is illegal and dangerous for women).
This paradox makes it difficult to even fathom trying to date anyone again intellectually. In order to have success I have to project a sense of confidence and self, and that I have something to offer. Even faults should, in theory, be spun in ways that can be seen as strengths. However, there is no positive way to spin being an inexperienced virgin over 30. There is no way to sell that to anyone in a manner which is anything short of desperate or pathetic. There is no way to have confidence in an area in which you have never succeeded before. What would I have to be confident about with a woman? What reason could I have, what could I possibly offer romantically that she couldn’t literally get from literally any other living man within a mile radius? It is delusional, and unfortunately that is something I am not. And the longer one stays crippled with inexperience, the harder it is to risk trying to get some. Hence, a cycle. I have a sense of humor, but that alone isn’t enough; you don’t rack up “joke points” until they reach a certain threshold and then you become “sexy”, same as simply being “nice” should carry no expectation of romance.
And this is a cycle which can easily make the decisions as to which side in my crossroads to take for me. I have some potential opportunities online. I could invest more in OKCupid, pay the $10 and get to see the 25 women who clicked “like” on my profile (whose profiles weren’t ones liked by me in the past). There is a speed dating event at this fall’s New York Comic Con which I could, in theory, apply for. Speed dating is vastly tiring and a convention is tiring enough, but how often does one get to meet women who will all likely be into similar geeky stuff that I am? And there is one acquaintance, a literal friend of a friend, who I have gotten to know slightly on Facebook (as in, we are friends and comment on stuff sometimes) who I would love to date, had I anything to offer besides being the low earning rung of a romantic ladder. But even when I begin to consider potentially trying for any of these options, I face the cycle (or “the Self Awareness Paradox“). Putting a bow tie on a farm animal won’t make it a man, and unfortunately, that’s all I have. Hiding it didn’t work and any romantic foundation built on lies doesn’t work. Unfortunately, there seems to be no honest way to escape this cycle.
The best I can do is to try to erase any desire to do so from myself. Maybe one day, I will succeed.
Sorry for the repetition. Maybe I should get to my last flashback and get on with it already.
The New Adventures of Dateless-Man! 
This sums up perfectly how I feel a lot of times. I’ve even used the job analogy myself. It’s hard to get hired if you don’t have experience, but how are you supposed to gain experience if nobody is hiring? And it’s hard to get a job working the counter when they’re only looking for managers.
I would offer one suggestion, based on my own experience and on what some fellow bloggers recommended as well: try to date younger. Younger girls are less likely to be looking for something long term and serious, more open minded, and less likely to be weirded out or put off by your virginity.
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I’m glad you liked the post, even if naturally it’s a shame that others can relate to it so well, since that means we share the same “dilemma”. I have heard that suggestion before, to “date younger” and while I am to a degree, I feel like a creep or a “dirty old man” if a woman is too young. 25 is about as young as I am willing to go and even that is intimidating. Legally, 17-18 is the age of consent and at 21 it’s legal to enter most bars/clubs and drink, but that’s way too young for me in my eyes. Naturally, others disagree; in fact society is very tolerant of men dating vastly younger woman and always has been (wonder why, since men run stuff).
A younger woman is still a woman and in fact there’s more pressure in some ways. Expectations for older men are higher; the perks of dating them tend to involve better finances, better access to their own homes and/or cars, and above all, experience. I imagine most women of any age would be less than impressed to meet a guy who offers less in that department than most of the guys they knew when they were 16 did. And don’t underestimate the fact that women of any age can want what they want; when I was 20 and in college, most of the women I knew from class were “looking to settle down” or so they said. Frankly, I don’t imagine any woman of any age would be terribly understanding or thrilled about my “secret”. The impossibility of contracting a STI alone is not a perk; it’s a bare minimum. Thanks for your interest, though, and I wish you more success. 🙂
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this post sums up my feelings as well. but then if you have no experience, eventually you’ll still find someone who’ll give you the job. of course for the most part you’ll find a job that is at first crappy but at least you got some job experience under the belt that you could use for the next one. although as far as women goes i won’t use the same analogy as the first woman could always prove to be wonderful.
either way, here’s hoping you keep trying because i know i am. i want to find someone who is right for me as it’s now what i’m focused on more than ever.
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Thanks for visiting the blog and commenting! Your expansion of my analogy may not be ideal but it isn’t exactly off topic either; it is common for advice to virgins to be some variation of “lower your standards”, which implies that all of us simply desire immaculate super models. I don’t. The women I have been attracted to have been varying shapes, sizes, ages, and colors. And I’d hate to lead someone on for my own benefit if I wasn’t into them, as well as I’d hate for a woman to suffer with me if she wasn’t genuinely into me, either.
I’m glad you’re going to keep on trying. I’m at a crossroads and while a part of me does, I can’t logically or intellectually defend this desire. I know all I would be doing is repeating the same cycles of failure and putting myself into more awkward situations. The more a woman knows me, the more she has to tolerate (my inexperience, my lack of looks, etc.). There’s nothing in it for her that she can’t get from a pet or a friend. This shouldn’t bother me, but it does. Insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, and trying to date simply feels like insanity to me. However, I implore you to not give up. Focus on what you want and do your best to get it, Jack.
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I faced some cyberbullying in regards to my virginity when I tried opening up. I too lack confidence in the romantic department, as I have known nothing but rejection, being ignored, unrequited love and feeling undesirable from time to time. I think women would not only be put off by my virginity, but me having an ectomorphic and physically waeker body as opposed to the mesomorphic “ideal” strong/muscleman society seems to portray as being “ideal” for men. I am as physically weak as most girls and have very low muscle mass despite working hard to build some muscle mass and eating healthy and having protein. As for back to virginity stuff, I hope in the next four years I will find someone who will be wife material and be loved for who I am. I considered finding a sex surrogate in the past, but I heard they are expensive, which would be very costly. I feel most younger people in their early twenties still act like teenagers and I would have a very hard time relating to them. Plus I feel they might mock or ridicule my virginity more-so than older adults in their twenties. However maturity depends on the individual. I do not want the v-card dilemma to be the deciding factor in which a person decides or decides not to date/get engaged/or marry me. I think there is much more a potential partner can offer than just sex alone. For me, I like warmth, trustworthiness, intelligence, kindness, optimism, friendliness, honesty, integrity, stability, maturity and open-mindedness in a woman.
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Thankfully I never faced much bullying over my status as an older virgin. As I blogged about last year, there was one instance from about 2013 where a bunch of my friends alluded to it to themselves in a topic I doubted they knew I was looking at on Facebook and seemed to have a good chuckle about it. In fairness to them, they never tagged me or said directly it was about me, more like a private joke. But that was one instance. I also share concerns about my body. My body type is average (a little overweight but not too heavy), but even if I did work out, it wouldn’t remove the large lipoma on my back. I’d be nervous to even remove my shirt in front of anyone, much less a lover. Those are good qualities to seek in someone, and I hope you have some success.
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