This blog is nearing its 2nd anniversary. This is both a tremendous achievement for everyone who has read along for this long as well as for me for being messed up about my love life to have somehow managed to fill so many months with content about it. I’ve gone over all of my notable interactions and recollections of interactions I have ever had with the opposite sex, from elementary school to now, spanning over 30 years of futility. I’ve also gone over many of my own insecurities (especially regarding inexperience and virginity), as well as listed all of my dating flaws and strengths. Yet there is one topic which is related to all of this which I have danced around, if only because I never knew quite how to word it or go on about it without it seeming like gibberish. In fact I still don’t. But in the name of getting in at least one posting for June, I may as well try. This entire blog is supposed to be about me putting text to my own thoughts inside my head which I never share with anyone, anywhere, at anytime, regarding women. And this may as well be the big kinky elephant in the room.
I have a fetish. I mentioned it in passing in an article in 2014 but I honestly forget which. It doesn’t effect how I view women nor is it something I need to rely on to attain arousal 100% of the time. However, it exists, and has been a part of my sexual development (or lack thereof) since I was a child.
Supposedly, erotic fetishes have existed since history began, but modern psychology began mentioning and defining it at the end of the 19th century (circa 1887). They can revolve around almost anything, but usually revolve around a particular body part, activity, sensation, and/or object. It is still listed as a mental disorder in the latest “DSM” (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which doctors use as a guide to diagnose mental illnesses as of its 5th edition in 2013. Sigmund Freud connected it to genitals because, well, he did that with almost everything if you research his work enough. According to a study done in 2011, most people who have (or admit to) a fetish (or “fetishistic fantasies”) are men, to the tune of roughly 30%. This isn’t to say that women don’t have fetishes too, but as most of society and the media are constructed by men for men, as well as the longtime social stigma against women “owning” their sexuality, it either is less common or less readily admitted to researchers. The most common are “foot fetishes” but others include bondage (from soft to hardcore), rubber clothing, particular costumes, and so on. While it can be weird, apparently only 1% of psychiatric patients reporting it as their primary problem. It can lead to criminal activity if it becomes twisted enough to target children or animals, and it seems that no end of sexual predators seem to have some sort of fetishism to their acts.
I’ve not admitted that I have a fetish to anyone, nor hinted at it. In fact, I won’t even admit to what it is here, under the anonymity of text. I will say that it doesn’t revolve around anything illegal. Even if someone were to guess it, I would deny it. One of my friends admitted to having a similar one himself in high school, but I could never bring myself to concur or admit that I shared it. It is a part of myself which is locked in a box inside of me, which I do not share with anyone. It seems shameful and disgusting, even while to me it remains arousing. Which is an added complication when to me, sexual desire and lust have been one sided and frustrating for me. It is just one more obstacle or thing to deal with. It doesn’t help that most pornography or imagery which revolves around it seems to imply or showcase elements that I don’t like, but seem to be the norm for it.
Some men with fetishes seem to make their entire identity around it. Perhaps this is to “own” it, or to shift the feeling of awkwardness from themselves to others. I have heard of some men on dating websites admitting to such a thing in a profile or even opening communications. To me, that seems absolutely terrifying; perhaps even more so than admitting virginity. As embarrassing as it is to admit to being an older male virgin, it is possible for one reaction to be pity or sympathy. It is hard to sympathize with someone with a fetish. Then you’re just a skeevy creep, like a peeping tom who collects underwear. To the point that I even fear being more blunt about it here, on my own blog.
To a degree there is more of an openness to fetishes or “kinkyness” in recent times than in the past. Madonna pushed those envelopes in the 80’s and many other pop artists have done so since. Surely the success of fare such as “Twilight” or “50 Shades of Grey” can be attributed to this. I’ve seen the term “kinkshame” thrown about for those being judging towards it online, or at least joking as being so (as a shift from the term “slutshame”, where women are unfairly judged for being as confident about sex as most men are or want to be). But just because people are more willing to joke about kinks online or use it to sell songs, books, or films in the media, doesn’t mean that it is accepted. That I would be accepted. After all, that is something I have never felt within the realm of romance, dating, or lust – accepted. As close as I ever get is seeing the “you must be THIS TALL to ride” sign.
This is an odd post, I guess. I admit to having a fetish, how having it both arouses and excites me, and about how it, like everything else sexual about me, I keep to myself – all while keeping it a mystery! Maybe nobody has to “kinkshame” me when I secretly “kinkshame” myself. It’s neither a flaw or a strength, a handicap or a boon. Just something else which is there, which adds to the overwhelming sense of fear and learned helplessness I have revolving dating. So long as it isn’t directed at illegal or unwilling targets, I don’t harshly judge the fetishes of others. But I have long learned that being open minded myself doesn’t guarantee that anyone I encounter will be. It is not something I have made my identity, nor something which interferes with my interactions or attempted interactions with women. It is just there, another thing about myself to put in a box and bury from sight. It seems there are a lot of those elements within myself, so much of myself that I hide from the world behind a mask. I am not alone in this, but it can be lonely all the same.
The New Adventures of Dateless-Man! 
This is what Nevada’s for…..You can find a woman who will accommodate your tastes without making you feel weird or as though you’re a freak. They’re professionals and they behave that way. You’ll live out your fantasies without having to feel insecure.
Give it some thought. You’ll have doubts going in, but no regrets on the way out.
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If only due to the fact that I am an older virgin I have given it some thought. Besides the fact that I don’t have the funds for it, it represents a path of no return. Being a virgin with a potential for kinkiness is bad enough; being a guy who paid for sex for his first time is quite another. Thanks for the input, though, and welcome to the blog! 🙂
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If funds are tight then it’s a non-starter. But keep in mind that no one besides you needs to know. t’s your private life and you don’t have to be ashamed of any decision you make so long as you aren’t hurting anyone.
A couple of other thoughts come to me after perusing your blog. Take my opinions for what they’re worth (and you may find them worthless….). You’ve touched on the notion that without some of the variables changing your results won’t change. And with that I agree completely. But the thing about variables is that you have the power to change them to at least some degree.
Taking inventory of your current status there are 2 major variables which could be most aggressively addressed. You note that you’re a few pounds overweight (kind of doughy bu your own description) and it sounds as though you live paycheck to paycheck, or close to it. If these aren’t addressed then 10 years from now you’ll likely still be living very lean with little saved for retirement, and your health will probably be starting to deteriorate (you’re a sitting duck for diabetes, cardiovascular disease, etc.). And you’ll very likely be in the same place in terms of relationships with women.
That would be a shame and a waste of talent. The quality of your writing indicates that you’re a very capable person. So….
Regarding your physical health—this is the easier one to address. There’s more than one way to achieve a decent level of physical fitness. I would tend to advocate weight training and paying attention to what you eat as the cornerstones to any serious attempt to change body composition. I understand that gyms can be costly, but there is likely a YMCA or community centre near you, and you can generally negotiate fees based on what you can afford. It requires effort and commitment, but no particular skill or talent. 6-12 months can produce striking results. Anyone can do it. I speak from experience.
Regarding earning potential—that’s the tougher one, but also crucial. I would agree that being a 30+ virgin is seen as a red flag by many women. Earning a decent living will make it a bit easier for some women to look beyond their concerns. I don’t know how much education you would need to pursue to sufficiently upgrade your skills in a relevant field, and I understand that it wouldn’t be without cost or stress. But it’s worth the risk based on where you’re at now.
Would major improvements in these 2 areas guarantee you success with the ladies? Of course not. You would likely find more opportunities, but it’s hard to predict how that would play out. But for the sake of argument, let’s assume that you pursue the avenues discussed above and still find yourself coming up short in the dating world. The first scenario has you continuing to live paycheck to paycheck, and possibly encountering serious health issues at a young age (which may put added strain on tenuous finances). The second allows you to feel healthy and start saving a bit for retirement with a bit left over for the occasional indulgence. I know what I would choose, and my impression is that your abilities are such that you have that choice available to you.
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I could simply be an incapable person who happens to write well. 😉
Jokes aside I am trying to land a better gig and do what I can about my diet. There are some cheap gyms in the area but it is also a matter of my schedule and all that. I’d hate to pay for a membership and then barely use it, even at $10 a month or so.
Thank you for the suggestions, though.
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Hehe….Doubt it. More likely highly capable but hasn’t fulfilled his potential yet. Time to make it happen. You don’t have forever.
Getting in shape is about commitment. I’m a professional who heads up a fairly large department. I also have 3 children. And I find time to train. Anyone can do it.
“New Rules of Lifting” by Lou Schuler and Alwyn Cosgrove is written for people just like you. Buy it and follow it.
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I’ll look into the book. One added component is my lipoma on my back which is large even as far as lipoma’s go and looks rather freakish. It’s a cosmetic issue so my insurance won’t cover it. I could have the body of a Greek Adonis and it would be a hurdle to deal with physically. It’s been a barrier to my dedication; “Why bother having six pack abs when I almost have a hump back there?” Of course working out is about being healthier for my own benefit of course. When your life isn’t the happiest, I suppose efforts to lengthen it are seen as luxuries.
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Get the book. Fitness and healthy body composition are beneficial goals in and of themselves.
I’ve read your strength and weaknesses posts and I think they show a great deal of insight and self-awareness. But I’ve seen plenty of lipomas, even big ones, and I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill on that issue. If the cost of dealing with it is out of the question for now then put it on the back burner. You’ll deal with it when you can afford it.
Dealing with the two variables I’ve highlighted will put you in a much better place even if your dating life goes absolutely nowhere. And a career which ups your earnings will allow to eventually address the lipoma.
Get started by making the improvements that are under your control. Bit by bit some other pieces will fall into place. No excuses. Like I’ve said, even if it gets you nowhere with the ladies you’ll be much happier and healthier.
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Yeah, as I said in the flaws topic, unless I am willing to post a picture of the lipoma it is difficult to come across. I have to admit you’re the first to give me the “shut up, hit the gym, and everything will work out” line of advice on the blog. I’m not dismissing it; exercise is healthy and it’s the main line of many advice books and sites such as http://www.goodlookingloser.com. I do think that unless I address some of the issues between my ears, though, I’ll wind up with some of the same flaws, just with slightly smaller clothes. But, as I said, I am working out my options.
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I’ll take your word re: the lipoma, but the reality remains that since getting it treated is not in the cards for the moment, then it doesn’t fit on the list of variables you can control. Put it on the back burner. You’ll deal with it later.
Getting in shape won’t necessarily lead to everything falling into place. But here’s the thing—-it’s under your control and the results are tangible. The confidence boost might not get you noticed by women, but you will feel significantly better nonetheless. Regular exercise is also protective against depression, and may have a positive effect on the psychological challenges that you face.
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The subtext of what I’m saying, which I’m sure is obvious, is that your dating woes aren’t going to be quickly reversed. This is a medium to long term project for you. If you make no changes then you should anticipate the same results. But you should be able to address the variables we’ve discussed with at least some success, and that brings with it the possibility that down the road you’ll be presented with opportunities which had previously passed you by.
You’re in your early 30’s, I gather, so you still have a bit of a window. But it will close if you opt not to take action.
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Without being specific, it’s debatable whether I am in “early 30’s” or “mid 30’s”. I’d probably have to ask someone in their 70’s about that one. 😉
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I’ll assume 33-34 for the sake of argument.
Put crudely, it’s shit or get off the pot time for you. It’s obvious from the sum total of your writing that you’re intelligent, capable,fundamentally decent, and likely kind. Don’t waste it.
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I’ve known quite a few men in my time and I can say with some certainty that the man who doesn’t have fetish of one kind or another is the unusual one! Maybe some fetishes come and go while others stick around but all men have them in my experience.
I suspect most women do too though maybe we’re more like you and less inclined to admit to them.
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Then I guess they’re like what they say about opinions or “rear ends” – everyone has one and some and weirder than others! 😉
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