That’s right, we’re covering all three topics for this installment! With my endless eviction drama nearing its third year of involvement (near domination, really) of my waking life, I wanted to focus on some stuff which is happening aside of it for now which does connect to the premise of this blog. And seeing that I have gotten a host of new views and hits (especially on April 18th, for some reason), I may as well summarize it. As an older male virgin in his very late 30’s who has only been on three romantic dates, three speed dating events, zero kisses and one accidental breast-touch (which is my most highly viewed post), I set up this blog to review my own futile romantic life and times. It began as a simple catalogue of all of my major experiences with the opposite sex going back to my first unrequited crush in grade school and finishing with my “last date” in college. And beyond some speed dating events (the last one in 2015) and a few lamentations for an associate or some coworkers here and there, that’s mainly been it. The cataloging was mostly wrapped by 2016 and since then it’s been various essays, ponderings, and lamentations of various lengths and degrees.
That’s not as succinct as “previously, on X-Men,” but it will suffice. So let’s tackle each subject one at a time, shall we?
Dateless-Man vs. Covid-19
Much like the rest of America and the whole damn world, I have been effected by the global pandemic. I’ve had to work from home since late April 2020 and adjust much of my lifestyle (or lack thereof) after work. It also has made casual dating more theoretical than practical in a manner beyond my own insecurities, fears, and doubts. I wonder just how many people who aren’t married or cohabitating have gotten laid within the past 10-11 months, especially in “hot zones” like NY (where I live), CA, WA, or even Michigan. With a very real risk of either contracting a deadly disease and passing along to a relative, friend, or coworker even from non-romantic activities, I imagine only the reckless, desperate, and/or extremely horny have bothered to even try to date during these times. With lockdowns making most outside activities null and void, it also diminished interest and practicality.
Unfortunately, there is nothing like a pandemic to make one truly consider concepts such as wasted youth or missed opportunities. For most of us, dating and or the very attempt at a love life was essentially put on hold for a year, and it was absolutely none of our faults. There are far worse things to worry about, like joblessness, homelessness, death, and disability, but somewhere on a top 20 or 50 list, a love life will pop up as a concern for most.
However, slowly but surely it seems as if things are trying to return to normal. Indoor dining in coming back in limited capacities, and outdoor activities are okay so long as one’s been vaccinated. And, hey, vaccines! They’ve become more readily available since even this same time three months ago. NY has an utterly complicated and frustrating website system for making an appointment, and once slots were available they usually were gobbled up faster than press passes to the New York Comic Con. Thankfully, as an insomniac, I happened to be up when they freed up on the even of Good Friday, so I grabbed one up.
Come to think of it, why is the Friday before Easter called “Good Friday?” It was supposedly the day Jesus Christ was crucified. It certainly was not a good day for him, even if you accept him as a supernatural martyr and savior who willingly “sacrificed himself” to rise again. Bring crucified is a horrific way to die. It wouldn’t matter to me if I could regenerate like Deadpool or the Crow, I wouldn’t consider a day I was crucified as a “good day.” I think the concept was that it was a “Good Friday” in the sense that the resurrection of Easter kicked off faith in Christ as “the savior” around the world forever after. I still find that kind of callous, and I wonder if more people of faith would focus more on what Christ said and did when alive, instead of focusing so much on his death to the point of endless visual recreations, some of them would act more like he intended (and not, say, be televangelists). But this is a tangent by an ex-Catholic school kid turned atheist.
So at any rate, I got my first Moderna shot on April 2nd, and am scheduled to get my second on the 30th in the wee hours of the morning. The first shot didn’t hurt and I had few side effects (beyond a sore arm), but it’s the second shot that most people say will knock the daylights out of you. It’s the biggest sign that normalcy is in sight and if only for the sake of my disabled, chronically ill mother, getting the vaccine as soon as I could was a priority. I’ve gotten used to some aspects of our new shared isolated lives, such as not having to commute to work or physically deal with co-workers and supervisors. My job is flirting with the idea of returning us to the office “this summer at the earliest” and that may definitely take some adjusting for me. It’s been nice saving some $40 a week on transportation expenses, as well as money on getting snacks and lunches outside. On the other hand, it’s meant less walking and I definitely have gained weight, just as I am also getting older and my metabolism is slowing. At least physically. Mentally I am still as manic as ever.
On the other hand, this year has really drilled in that I am not getting any younger and while it is very lame to be a guy pushing 40 trying to make up for lost time, it may be even worse to not ever try. I have lamented endlessly about feeling cheated out of expected rites of passage or romantic milestones when young due to my own inferiorities and social expectations of men, and it remains a shame I never will enjoy the cheap, simple thrills of teenage or young adult romances. I’ll never have that much free time or fewer worries again. I’m not in my physical prime anymore. And my outlook on life has probably gotten less patient and bitter even if it doesn’t really show here. I’ve certainly become more short tempered over the last 2-3 years than ever, which is not good. I sometimes feel that it is a shame that my first and possibly only lover may not get me at my best, and my best was pretty crappy to begin with.
But, plenty of lamer, uglier, shorter, meaner, fatter, and balder men than me plunge into the dating world with delusions of grandeur, so why not me? I at least can admit to myself I don’t know a thing about pleasing a woman and being eager to learn. That alone may make me distinct for my age group. Most dudes my age or older who are single are very set in their ways and think they know everything. I KNOW I know nothing, and that can be key to learning. And nobody knows what kind of dating scene the post-Covid lockdown era will create. Will it make women more discerning and less willing to even grab coffee with someone until there is a lot of online courtship and a real feeling of mutual desire? Or will everyone be hornier than Bowser from Super Mario Brothers and be “down to ****” with anyone who at least seems reasonable and available? Or could it be a blend of both depending on the person? I certainly have chosen a hell of a time to consider jumping back into the dating pool for the first time in about a decade, but then again, my luck’s always been pretty terrible.
Dateless-Man vs. Hairlines
Speaking of age and bad luck, I have noticed my hairline is beginning to recede. Considering I am in my absolute late 30’s and at least 2/3rds of my male friends were at this point at least a decade sooner, I may not elicit much sympathy here. How many men aren’t at least starting to thin as they near 40? My maternal grandfather still had a full head of hair when he died in the 90’s, but it had also receded quite a bit. My father and his relatives have been absent and a mystery, but he may have been balding in the early 80’s, according to my mother.
Suffice it to say even with Covid restrictions, I have only had one haircut within the last year and change. I usually averaged 2-3 a year. I am deathly afraid of having hair cut which will now never grow back.
On top of everything else going on, I was not in the mood for a midlife crisis. I haven’t even gotten over half of my juvenile crises. I haven’t even kissed a woman on the lips and now I am shopping for hair loss products? My looks are average at best with hair; I am in no mood to have to consider dating as the Penguin’s stunt double. How is that even fair!? So I have been using some products, and the latest includes a full on laser light helmet. It kind of looks like something used on Power Rangers, only to combat baldness and not a giant rubber suited monster. I don’t even know if it will work and if it does, the results may be minimal or moot.
Now, I know what some people will say. There are plenty of balding, overweight guys who get laid; in fact some are studs and don’t have to be famous. But that usually relies on two things: confidence and personality. I have none of the former and barely a handful of the latter. I’m an inoffensive white guy who is neither tall nor short who has a sense of humor; in NY I am a dime a dozen. Battling evictions and Covid was bad enough; now my scalp is a ticking time bomb?
It can genuinely feel as if the fates that be do not want me to ever have sex or find love — or if I do, it has to be after overcoming what anyone could fairly describe as a well above average host of challenges. At least with someone who is not zonked out to their eyeballs in a nursing home. Why can’t they throw challenges at the buff college dudes who sleep their way through bars and throw me a bone just once? I jotted down my fairly reasonable dream date: I’m not asking for Jessica Alba emerging from a clam.
Dateless-Man vs. Fetish Writing Part 2 (or “Revenge of the Kink Panther”)
Finally, perhaps a bit of better news. If 2021 has had any theme to it so far, it’s been “The Age of Kink”. Two out of three posts were about fetish writing and one was that aforementioned “mildly erotic fantasy.” To summarize again, I’ve long admitted to having a fetish, but I’ve been too shy or embarrassed about it to reveal it even here, on my own blog. In contrast, my “older male virginity” has been the topic of at least a dozen entries over the years. It is something I genuinely feel is more taboo emotionally, even if objectively I know it isn’t that bad.
I post under another avatar at a message board dedicated to the kink and I had engaged in text based role play with two women regarding it since 2018. One of them messaged me at random to get that ball rolling, and it ended because she lied about being underage (at the time). I posted an “advertisement” about doing this on the forum and another woman messaged me about this and we did some text roleplay for about 10 days before she ghosted me. My last entry about this saw me casually mentioning whether or not I should just start writing outright fetish fiction on Deviantart.
Well, three weeks ago I did just that; I created a Deviantart profile based around my avatar on that message board and have just been writing some fan-fiction centered around the fetish (as well as reposted some old stuff I wrote in 2012-2013). I’ve written about 4 new stories within the last 3 or so weeks and while it has been an adjustment to my schedule I have basically just used it to fill slower periods between my non-fetish geek writing. And so far the results have been positive. The stories garner 800 to 2,000 views each and 4-25 “favorites” from viewers (“likes,” basically), and I have about 22 “watchers” (sort of like subscribers here). A few of them are pretty notable people within the community I was in. I’ve quickly developed a few fans in the comment sections. The biggest difference is that 99% of the readers and viewers are men, whereas before I was text role playing with women. I’ve hardly become a rock star but it could be argued that in only 3 weeks I am averaging as many or more viewers with my account there than here.
Admittedly I know I am probably writing “fap fuel” for dudes which is a bit different for me, honestly. But it has been good to express myself with a part of my sexuality which even I consider taboo and for it to have some positive result. It’s less reliant on the immediate reaction of another person like the text role playing is and it is something I can do at my own pace. It’s a safe and harmless way to express this fetish without exposing my real identity or being uncomfortable, which I think it a good thing. I do think some of the shame revolving around it is unhelpful in my attempts to gather the will to date again. I don’t intend to ever tell a woman about this IRL as myself, even if we were dating a while and she volunteered of her own volition at random that she was into it, and that’s fine. Nearly everyone has fantasies or whatnot that they never act on. If not, more people in real life would be superheroes, equestrians, or astronauts.
And no, I am not linking to my Deviantart page; the fetish is pretty darn obvious. And no, you won’t find it by searching Deviantart for “Datelessman” or some combination thereof. I’m hardly a rookie about creating alter egos. Nice try, though!
It feels good to be complimented and flattered about something at least tangibly related to my sexuality, even on a scale as small as this. I like the idea of my imagination being used and applied in some small way towards something less “innocent” in a space and way where it is acceptable. I don’t like using this word since as a straight white man I have more privileges in this world than I probably realize, but it is nice to feel some kind of “agency” about these kinds of things even in this small way. And thank goodness I live in an era where doing this is relatively easy; in the 80’s my best option would have been to try to get a job as a contributor to a sleazy fetish magazine or “newsletter”. One could say that it may not be helpful since Deviantart is mostly appealing to dudes and my issues revolve around women, but at the core, my own self doubts about who I am as a man and about my virginity and lack of experience are all concepts invented and enforced by men anyway.
TL:DR — I am getting vaccinated, fretting about a receding hairline, and am writing fetish fan fiction online semi-regularly now. What a time to be alive.
Thanks for reading. Once again, I remain the Dateless-Man.