The topic of this post would have been different, but events took a slight turn and I couldn’t avoid it. Most of this was because I’d included the links to a particular dating website guru often enough that I could almost be considered an ad-man for him, even when I frequently disagreed with him about his opinions about older virgins. Or after I was banned from his main forum for, as far as I can figure, having less “tolerance” for drug users than the site’s philosophy preached.
Time for a recap. Every few years in my attempt to sort out my feelings about being single, lonely, and a virgin, I would seek out either advice or kindred spirits online. This first began in college (when, ironically, the idea of reaching age 21 as a virgin was seen as “doomsday”) when I would email the Playboy Advisor and joined my first forum about this stuff at the (now defunct) About.com. It continued sporadically every few years after college, especially after I turned 30 (and then past-30). The problem is the internet is full of snake oil salesmen posing as dating coaches, especially for “late blooming” (or insecure) men. Many of them may peddle a few nuggets of worthwhile advice wrapped in heaps of negative stereotypes, aggressive tactics or just plain old hokum (or B.S. for those of you who, unlike me, like using slang which is less than 80 years old). Many of these self proclaimed gurus treat “The Game,” the book that founded the pick-up artist scene, as their Bible.
For the record, there are women who also peddle dating advice for men, but there don’t seem to be as many of them online, or they advertise their wares less aggressively. After all, most of the “gurus” are really out to peddle books/CD’s/webinars/coaching etc. And it’s rarely cheap.
Around 2014-2015 (which was around when I began this blog, July 2014) I stumbled upon Doctor Nerdlove, a.k.a. Harris O’Malley (ak.a. DNL). He wrote one of his frequent articles about older virgins and I started “lurking” (or reading). A reformed Pick-Up Artist (PUA) who claims to have been a “late bloomer” because he didn’t have sex until he was 19 (seriously), he has long sought to recreate his image and men’s dating advice upon realizing the PUA stuff got him laid but made him miserable. He’s been running his website since 2011 but likely wasn’t able to earn his primary living at it until years later. His angle is usually to extract the positive kernels from PUA with a more liberated (or “woke”) approach which focused on building a positively genuine self image, relating to the feelings of other people, and being open minded. At the start you could argue he was PUA-Lite (since “working out” was still a major focus for him until 2015-2016 ish) but ever since he focused more on curing what was between men’s ears, not what was in their pants.
His articles and advice columns often helped me rethink some of my own memories, perspective, and philosophy. Releases such experiences from the deep pits of denial with this blog helped, but DNL was often a tool for my path towards self discovery. However, DNL was rarely shy about the idea that he’d been a jerk and an a-hole during his PUA days, and likely mistreated or manipulated more than one woman into bed. His views on cheaters, which usually advocated forgiveness for all but the worst offenders, often put him at odds with his own audience. He also is a heavy advocate of polygamy, because that’s what he and his wife practice. As such, in an era where the transgressions of predatory, creepy, or even moderately sleazy men get exposed online, I was surprised that a former pub-crawler turned advice guru hadn’t ever had such a past pop up. A part of me thought that he practiced what he preached, especially in relation to apologies; keep them private and don’t make them “about you, but the victim.”
So, imagine my surprise when I checked his website late last week and found this. To summarize, a guru who often railed against public attention grabbing apologies was making one himself. One of his dalliances had come back to haunt him, but it wasn’t one from his self-admitted sleazy past pre-2011. Instead it was from 2017, a time when DNL was already a full-time dating coach who was a sporadic guest at comic book conventions (specifically, Emerald Con). That was also the year I received a permanent ban (described as “a very long vacation”) from his site (and moderator) for far less grievous offenses. It seems that at the Emerald Con in ’17, DNL came onto a fellow guest panelist/booth person at a hotel bar and, feeling a good “vibe,” flirted with her. His own personal style is a give-and-take, push-and-pull back and forth banter which probably can be misunderstood unless you’re very very good at it (or find a very receptive partner). The woman in question, in particular, asked him not to tug her hair as some sort of playful gesture; he did anyway. Her mood changed and he ended his efforts. Later on in 2018 a “mutual friend” told him that the woman felt violated by his efforts, and DNL issued an email apology. DNL even had that pal “shadow” him at the 2018 Emerald Con to make sure he didn’t “act up” again. This past February, DNL heard the woman got his apology but was far from forgiving and wanted nothing further to do with him.
Quite why, then, that DNL waited 4 months to make this public is unknown. He frequently makes posts preaching male behavior every time some well known men in geek circles are “exposed” as sexually aggressive creeps. Almost exactly a week before, DNL made one of those figures, Warren Ellis — the writer of a comic he likes, Transmetropolitan — the centerpiece of such an article. Ironically, it focused on removing problematic men from their art. Considering that DNL’s moderate Internet empire has branched out considerably since 2017 — he’s written a few books and his posts appear on Patreon, Kotaku, Good Men Project, UExpress, and his videos average 2,000-5,000 views on his YouTube channel — perhaps this was an attempt at damage control from a ticking time bomb. He’s sought to use the incident as a “behavior modeling moment,” but I can’t help but be reminded of sanctimonious preachers who then beg forgiveness when they’re exposed as a cheater, or a drug user, or a pedophile. Granted, DNL’s transgression is nowhere that severe, but the self serving presentation is similar.
O’Malley is usually open minded towards the people who write to him for advice, but he is often big on reading people and not pushing boundaries (especially when the other party clearly establishes one). It seems DNL, at least once, did not take his own advice. I mean, I may be a lonely virgin whose views about drug users were once unfairly compared to “reefer madness,” but even I know not to do something to a woman she directly says not to do, especially to her body. And (outside of a strict BSDM routine), how the hell is a hair-tug “playful?” I also found it ironic that my moderate forum transgression, where I neither insulted or belittled or even cursed, earned me a lifetime ban, while DNL is begging his audience for forgiveness for doing what a forum member would be banned for admitting.
No one is perfect. Lord knows I’m not. There are many things I’ve not done that I am not proud of. When I was 12 and in the midst of being bullied in junior high, part of how I won over my tormentors was by insulting someone else for their bemusement; a girl. My own sense of shame and self hatred for that, in some form, remains. But I certainly am not someone who preaches about being “a good man” for a living and then deliberately crosses a line, no matter how slight, with a woman at a bar at a con. Maybe people would be best served to realize that comic conventions are essentially business conferences and not to mix them with too much pleasure. And while I never considered Doctor Nerdlove a perfect role model, or a role model at all, he was the only ‘net guru I gave the time of day to. And now he’s done something which has disappointed me, and likely a chunk of his audience. He’s also given ammunition to the “incel Men’s Rights Activists” who avidly troll him.
Also, you know how I and many men in my situation are overly shy and cautious? And how we usually buck when DNL and others give us, essentially, the same advice that Miss Frizzle from THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS gives in relation to dating — “Get messy! Make mistakes!” Well, for me, it’s because the last thing I want to do is put a woman through even 10% of what this lady experienced, even by accident.
I’m well into my 30’s and too old to be shattered by someone whose jargon I read (and reflect on, and often criticize) proving to be human and having sinned. But it does feel a bit like peeking behind a set at Disneyworld and seeing Micky Mouse performer take off his head and snort a line of cocaine. It’s shatters the illusion at an unexpected moment.
And to think, people thought we’d have cities on the moon in 2020. Instead it’s come out like this. It’s all moot since no one is casually dating in the era of Covid-19, but it was all I could come up with to post about before July.
Hope everyone else is safe out there, wearing a mask, and washing your hands. I know I am. In more ways than one.
The New Adventures of Dateless-Man! 