I may as well get this month’s installment underway. The previous installment was actually this blog’s 100th article, which us another milestone after July’s 6th anniversary. This may be another entry which covers a few things at once, going to where my mind is right now as I navigate the vast void that is my love life. These days, everyone can blame the pandemic that is Covid-19 for 2020-2021. Sadly, the years from 1996-2019 are pretty much all my fault, and to a lessor degree, society’s.
The first thing I wanted to comment on is something which others have stated regarding me for some time. Both here in the comments field of previous articles, as well as in the forums I sometimes have visited (such as the Doctor Nerdlove fan forum), there have been those who’ve heard my stories about my chronic date-less status and seemingly eternal virginity and come to one conclusion. They have wondered to me if I was an asexual.
For those not in the know, “asexuality” is commonly defined as “the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.” Although it has been observed in human behavior, both real (Nikola Tesla) and fictional (Sherlock Holmes) for eons, it didn’t start to be banded about in popular terms until 1994 at best, and around the mid 2000’s at worst. I certainly don’t recall hearing or reading much about it until about 10-15 years ago. It is gradually being considered a full on gender identity on the LGBT spectrum, and has various definitions and unique sub-categories. I’ve been told that someone can be sexually attracted to a particular gender, and even masturbate regularly, and still be considered an asexual. One of my very best friends came out as asexual last year, and I have always been tolerant of varying gender identities. However, as introspective as I try to be about myself, and as open to new ideas and possibilities as I may be, I sincerely doubt I am an asexual, despite the thoughts of the handful of people over the past half decade who have suggested so online.
The primary reason for me is that I do not suffer from a lack of sexual interest. I may not be quite as avidly horny now as I was as a teenager or in my early 20’s, but what man in his late 30’s is? Without being too graphic, I do masturbate regularly and use inner fantasies more than outside stimuli to do so about 95% of the time. There have been countless women, both known in real life or observed in media or magazines, that I have been sexually interested in. The most recent example as chronicled here was a co-worker from last year. My point is I do not suffer from a lack of desire, but a lack of opportunity (or willing partners).
There is a part of me that wonders if some people who are in my position — the undersexed — sometimes speculate about being asexual not before they truly are, but because it presents an alternative to self-loathing (or loathing others). When one is untouched for an entire lifetime, it can be easy to search for a reason which satisfies the question of “why” (or “why not me?”). This isn’t to say that there aren’t asexual people, or that many people who many be older virgins may turn out to be genuinely asexual. But I simply wonder whether or not some people may assume the label for self serving reasons.
Speaking for myself, readers of this column may know that I have often harbored feelings of resentment and loathing towards myself regarding my inability to attract others. I have banded terms about myself over the years like “freak,” “circus freak,” “lame,” and “loser” many times in previous articles. I have gone through many bouts of pain, loneliness or personal anguish over my black void of a romantic state many times over the years. I can say for myself that it would be easy for me to slap a label on myself which is less hurtful or insulting and call it a day. The only problem is that for me, in my own eyes, it would be a self delusion.
I suppose there is some point to self delusion sometimes. If calling myself a certain thing makes me feel better, or at least less bad about myself, then it may be worthwhile. In theory it could also lead to a connection to fellow asexuals. In practice, though, it feels wrong to assume a gender identity if I am not absolutely certain of it; otherwise it is an insult to their own pain and self discoveries. I feel it is wrong to assume a gender identity for simple convenience, only to discard it later if/when things changed (i.e. I ever got laid). It would do a disservice to the genuine asexuals out there, and I am not a fan of manipulating people to my own ends. Even if those “own ends” are a little emotional soothing.
I’ve harbored self-loathing feelings about myself for as long as I can remember — or at least since about 6th or 7th grade. I feel less of it now than when I was still a teenager (or maybe even from 2014) but it’s still the bedrock of my self-esteem. That leads to a host of problems, but the advantage is that I am too used to it to need to wrap myself in a gender identity I feel is inaccurate just to try to offer an alternative to my own self-narrative. I don’t feel that I am “in denial” about my “identity” or anything like that; if I genuinely thought I was legitimately asexual I wouldn’t have an issue. But I won’t borrow a label from others just to rosy-up my own narrative; my narrative doesn’t need it. It’ll get rosier when it gets rosier, not because I retitle it.
So, to restate the title, I’m not an ace. I’m just a joker. But that’s fine. I’ll either one day get the experience, or I won’t. At least with Covid-19, a part of it is out of my control now. There’s regret, but that’s always been there. I don’t have a problem saying that I’m a virgin not because I am a closet asexual, but because I’m lame (and society kind of sucks).
As for “related topics,” I came across this article on Daily Mail UK by Tracey Cox about a study regarding older male virgins. I try to scan the internet for this topic sometimes and seek a different perspective than from Doctor Nerdlove, or even many dudes in general. Now, her data is mostly about British men but I wonder if some translates. She cites one 2018 British study that says 1 in 6 British men over 26 claim to be virgins, up from 1 in 20 in previous years. And she also cites a Chicago study that says the number of men who claim to be virgins has tripled since 2008. This correlates a little bit with various Japanese studies that suggest roughly 10% of Japanese men over 30 are virgins.
Her reasons? Too much “sexual availability” aided in no small part by apps and the Internet adds anxiety, and the easy availability of porn online are said to be factors. Bleak economic and social perceptions (if not reality) are also making people more depressed and anxious, which effects libido. Miss Cox interviewed 4 men and their motivations ran the gamut from experiencing trauma (abuse) to religious choices, to two men who were just “odd,” essentially.
There is a part of me that genuinely wonders if the raw numbers of older (male) virgins have really increased, or if it is just a consequence of the Internet. I mean, before the year 2000-2005 it was rough if not impossible to find online communities about such people. Most folks who were just kept to themselves, or were just known as “bachelors.” I mean, even before 2005’s The 40 Year Old Virgin, there was Marty from 1955, starring Ernest Borgnine and Betsy Blair, which won an Oscar. Now, unlike the later comedy film, “the v-word” is never said, but it’s between the lines. The flick is about a socially awkward blue collar 34 year old who has supposedly never dated anyone and considers himself an eternal bachelor without any “prospects”. His married friends and mother have all resigned him to his fate, until he runs across an equally awkward “plain Jane” he actually connects with. The irony is Borgnine, who wasn’t as athletic as Steve Carrell, is probably closer in body type to many of us.
If there is an increase, it may be more due to social changes. Sexual liberation, women not needing to rely so much on men for their independence, and more people marrying later in life would all contribute. On the whole these are for the better; just ask all those Baby Boomers, Generation X’ers and maybe Millennials who grew up in loveless households with two parents who got married “for the children” or “due to social pressures.”
I’m not about to knock online dating; 1/3rd of all the dates I was ever on were due to that. Before that, the only similar alternative was print want ads and in-person “dating services”, which were even sleazier and more haphazard. Perhaps the loss of a sense of “community” within many neighborhoods which aided in social interaction is a factor.
Regardless of reason, I am what I am. And that’s all that I am. It was good enough for Popeye, and it’s good enough for me.
Thanks for reading.
The New Adventures of Dateless-Man! 